Contentment

Philippians 4:11-13 (English Standard Version)

¹¹Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹²I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Contentment. This is the word tattooed on my back in the picture. Specifically the Greek word from this beautiful verse in Philippians. I spent a lot of time, years actually, deciding what is important enough to be permanently printed on my body. This word, contentment, is it. I have lived. I know the lowest lows and the highest highs. But I still strive to be content. It is not my bank account. It is not my job, or lack there of. It is not who I am dating or whether I am almost 30 and unmarried and childless. I let myself think it was. I let words of others and reminders from family be a constant barrier between me and contentment. 

In fact contentment is not an action at all. If I go to church every Sunday, this does not bring contentment. If I give and give until I have nothing more to give this does not bring me contentment. When I graduate from school finally, I may be happy, but not content. Keeping my house clean, being productive during the day, sleeping normal hours, eating right, exercising, having friends, not drinking too much, all good things... none bring contentment. 

It has taken me 29 years, being at some of the lowest points in my life, some wise words from a friend, and a permanent tattoo to come to this realization...

Contentment can't be earned or achieved. It is simply to rest. No matter what is whirl winding around me, I can only be content by resting. Resting in the peace and knowledge that God is my provider. Jesus is my strength. And no matter what I do or don't do that remains unchanging. 

I always thought of contentment as something I strive for, when in reality, it was never my choice to be content. God chose me, and because of this I am content. The only thing for me to do is accept this and move forward at peace knowing that I can do all things through Christ. That is such a freeing thought. 

It is 2:30AM

It is 2:30 in the morning. Late for most.. for me normal to be up these days. Something lead me to look at this blog. A blog I haven't looked at in some time. I spent the last hour reading the thoughts and point of view of a girl who, to be honest, I hardly recognize. 

Tears are in my eyes reading the resolutions and reflections from just a year ago. Trials were 100% there, but so was hope. What happened? Where did it go? I can rationalize it any which way. It started with being busy... but what is it now? 

My conversations with God are few and far between and mostly just yelling matches. Only I am the one yelling. I let sin in. I bowed to the voices telling me lies... and let bitterness into my heart. 

I have spent the last 9 months in sin, loneliness, fear, and pain, which was only inflicted by my own doing.  And now as I move on to another phase of my life, I feel like I am losing some people that were very special to me... and instead of a time of hope and being sent off with love... I am alone and leaving in fear. 

As I read the words I wrote just a year ago, I am mourning that girl. I want her back. I want to feel her peace. I want to see her joy. I want a reason to get out of bed each day. 

I am not sure why I am writing this... or at this point, really, who I am writing this too. I just felt I needed to write it. 

So this all said my April 2009 Resolutions:

I want to talk to Jesus... not yell... actually talk.

I want my friends... those ones who had become my family...back. 

I want to leave Bremerton with a peaceful heart. I want to feel like I am moving toward a goal, not running away from my mistakes. 

I want to repent whole heartedly for my many sins... and mean it. 

I want to trust that God will provide and always has.

I want to get out of bed again. 

I want to truly live for Jesus. 

and finally... 

I want to be brave and actually publish this post.... hmmm... ok here goes. 

Hi All... Nothing like a friend invading your blog to get you to post something. A couple disclaimers for anyone who reads this and thinks... I know that Martha and Mary does not give a Rockinest Employee of the year award. It was the Children's Advocate award. I am proud of it. And no Jenn I did not miss my midterm... well sort of... The banquet was the night before my midterm and my boss told me I had to be there... so my professor let me take the midterm Monday instead of Friday... But I was still pretty mad at the time. 

So yeah ... Spirit Fingers. 

I promise... One day when I have more than 5 seconds to spare I may post more. Many great things are going on in my life... I will take a moment to share them at another time. 

bye now. 

And the winner is....

(picture flashing lights and lots of streamers)
CRYSTAL!!
well, Crystal has exciting news that she should certainly be posting, but as she is not I am going to have to do it for her (and as she is remembered on my computer I can access her account anytime, so let this be a lesson to you).

Crystal has won a very big award (but I can't remember what it is called). But anyways, it is the biggest award you can get at Martha and Mary. Basically she has been named the rockin'-est worker over all other workers for the whole entire year.

yes, they interrupted her schedule and made her miss a midterm but, hey, she is something like employee of the year. And she was honored at banquet in front of all the M&M workers in the whole world (or something to that affect)...

So, next time you see Crystal, say congrats and maybe get the details...or maybe she will be inspired to post on her own blog. Now....

gimme a C!
gimme an R!
gimme a Y!
gimme an S!
gimme a T!
gimme an A!
gimme an L!

what's that spell?
CRYSTAL!!!!
spirit fingers!!!!

Real Blog to Come Soon...

My January Resolutions

With the holidays come and gone and winter break coming to a close, I think I am finally ready to make my resolutions. Any regular reader of my blogs (the few, the proud, and the slightly bored) know that I tend to attempt to make monthly blogs. This is due to my whole attention span of a peanut thing I was telling you about. Just assume that the regular goals are present and accounted for... Be healthy, exercise more, Pray more, read my bible, be a nice person, and I don't know...don't start any major drug dependencies. No I think my January resolutions are going to be more fun. So here goes... please note I am thinking of these as I write them so it is a surprise to all of us.

Hmmmm # 1. Learn to make Pavlova.... This is a traditional and delicious Australian desert made with egg whites that I have come to love... I just got the recipe from my oldest friend, and the wife of a very faithful Aussie. So now I learn to make it.

Let us see #2. Have 2 game nights. One just so I can learn to play Settlers of Katan (I think that is what it is called.) and the second so I can have more people over and they can help me eat my pavlova.

What next #3 Smile more... I have had good things happen lately... I wanna remember that and smile more.

#4 I tend to have this resolution every year and it lasts for about a month... so this year I make it a monthly resolution.... Send more cards. Nothing makes me happier than receiving a card in the mail out of the blue to show me someone was thinking of me. If they are anything like me, it took a lot to get that card mailed. First picking out a card (my favorite part) , then actually filling it out with thought... then getting the address and addressing the envelope, then of course putting a stamp on it... which means buying a stamp, which for me means hunting around to find cool stamps, then actually sticking it in a mail box. Oh the Joy! I want to give some one else this joy.

#5 I wonder how many of these there will be... oh the suspense.... I think 5 will be to cook more.... this accomplishes multiple things... a. I love to cook. B. I have acquired some of the coolest kitchen tools ever in the last few years and would like to use them more. C. This helps with staying healthy and spending less.

#6 Do more fun things... Like in the picture above I spent the day in Seattle with friends and spent less than 20 bucks... this includes Christmas presents, coffee, lunch, and a ferry ride. And I had a blast. We went to an Asian tea shop and had a free tea tasting... we went to the Seattle Art Museum gift shop and just looked at displays in the lobby (that picture is a display representing 9/11 and a car bombing... there are 9 Ford Taurus' being suspended from the ceiling. ) and we just took fun pictures which will be pasted below for viewing... anyway it was fun. I need to have more fun.

#7 I think this is my last one... to keep up on my blog. I still find it therapeutic... but once a month blogging makes them really long.

So there you have it, if you care. See below for fun pictures. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Tis the Season

Christmas is a funny holiday. The cause of much unneeded controversy, the root of much unneeded stress, with the reason for the holiday being misunderstood by many. This said, I love Christmas! I love the celebration of it. I love the elegance that can come with entertaining. I, though one who is not a fan of surprises (at least ones I can see coming), love the thrill of Christmas morning seeing all the presents piled under the tree and the anticipation on everyone's face. It brings me back to a time of innocence and sweetness.

I love the excuses the holidays give me to cook and eat delicious things. I love painting ornaments and making gingerbread houses. I love the search for the perfect gift for a person (though I do not love crowded malls and stores), I love receiving a really thoughtful gift from someone. I love the generosity that comes with this holiday.

I love driving around and looking at the obnoxious twinkling Christmas light displays. I love egg nog... or soy nog nowadays. I enjoy decorating my Christmas tree, as you may have read previously, but more than just the hunt, I find it a time of reflection.

I can look at my ornaments and remember the circumstances that surrounded each one, whether good or bad. I find myself smiling at the happy times that produced these beautiful little pieces.For some thinking of the sad memories of lost loved ones and bitter moments, but the beauty that comes in the healing and growth that those moments bring.

I love the first day after Thanksgiving, when my Christmas music comes out again. I love a white Christmas and peppermint hot chocolate... though I hate snow and can't have dairy. I love traditions, both old and new. I love the build up to Christmas in church, where it seems every year I am told the story of Christ's coming in a different way. Whether learning about advent, or just from a different perspective.

I love Christmas eve services. So much so that this year I attend both a Christmas eve service, and a midnight mass. I love church choirs... both off key and on. I love Children singing. I love candlelight services. I love singing carols to Christ. This year I watched a pastor actually act out skit, in a green and red flannel shirt, as Joseph the carpenter. Telling the story of Christ's birth from Joseph's point of view. It took a minute for my cynical side to adjust to the cheese factor, but through all that was a sweet story of a man's love for a woman and his son, and his willingness to obey God. I love that this pastor was willing to put himself out there like this. I later found out that the reason he does this was because on Christmas just a couple years ago he lost his young son, and he has done a skit every year since at the Christmas eve service, because it is easier to be someone else in this situation. But I love the fact that he still shows up, when we know he would rather be at home mourning his lost child and comforting his wife, than sharing this story year after year to so many that he will not see again until Easter... or possibly next year.

I love sitting around a table with friends who have become family, just laughing about everything. Reminiscing on old times, fantasizing about new times, and just enjoying each other's company. I love each year seeing a family that truly loves each other and not just because they have to, but because they truly enjoy each other's company. It gives me such hope and inspiration for the family I hope to have one day. I love dutch blitz, apples to apples, Mexican train, sequence, phase 10, and Australian comedies. Mostly I love spending a weekend each year just feeling truly at peace and filled with joy. I love that they made me a special enchilada, without cheese, and I didn't even ask for it. I love that all these little things put together make such a big impact on my life.

I am so very thankful for my friendships, and the generosity of the beautiful people in my life. What may seem like nothing to them, is so huge in my life. I praise God for providing such great people in my life.

All this said... I also love that this highly controversial, universally misunderstood, and crazy holiday is over. I am ready to pack the ornaments away. I am ready to find spots for my fun new things. I am ready to move forward to the new year. With maybe for the first time in a decade, truly a fresh start. This last year has been a whirl wind of crazy. So many life changing moments. I am almost scared of the new year. So I praise God that I was able to end this the year 2007 with so much relaxation and Joy. I go into 2008 with optimism and hope. I wish you a very happy new year, filled with dutch blitz, Australian comedies, generosity, reflection, growth, friendships, love, and laughter.

I leave you with a need for prayer. My friend Ryan is in Iraq. He is the younger brother of my best friend Kristen, recently his mess hall burned after a fuel tanker blew up. They think someone may have snuck in and blew up the tanker. Thankfully he is OK. But he is definitely still in much danger, So much so, that he is actually in the picture above. As we start this new year I just ask for prayer for him, and all those serving in this ongoing war, that they be brought home safely. Thankfully, Ryan loves Jesus, but there are so many there that don't know Him. So as we make new year resolutions, mine is to pray more. And to pray for these men and women to come to know the Lord. When I was in Bellingham over Christmas there was a sign in a front yard asking for peace on one side, and counting the deaths in Iraq on the other. It was very nearly 3,900 deaths. My brother was there for a year. I praise God every day that he was brought back safely, and pray he wont have to go back. I will continue to pray that each of these men and women are brought back to us safely and that this number will not grow any larger, please join me.

Peace be with you in the New year. And may God bless you and your loved ones.

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree

So now that almost every one I know in the Blogging world has posted Christmas tree stories (OK that's a lie... like 3 people) I would like to post mine. It all started with the above photo. I spent Thanksgiving in Portland. It was four wonderful relaxing days. On the last day... we went on what turned into a long trip...due to many wrong turns.... to the tree farm. We cut down the tree (only after I hugged it) and I was left with the Christmas spirit. Tith and I went to stores to look for ornaments for his tree. I found a little kitchen mixer ornament. I only needed a tree to hang it on. I immediately made arrangements to go the next day and get my tree.

So this year as I have in the past I went to Alpine U cut for my tree. I like them.... good prices...lots of trees... and so on and so forth.



So anyone who knows me knows that A... I like things a certain way. B... I have high expectations. and C.... I have the attention span of a peanut... It is because of all three of these things, that I found my Ford focus, myself and my friend Maggie off roading in really long weeds that were scraping the bottom of my car. Allow me to explain. I like trees that are big and round and go to the ceiling. I expect to find this tree for a good price and with little or no problem. I did zone out during the guy who worked at Alpine's lesson on which tree is which... and did find myself driving in circles singing "oh Christmas tree" and rolling down my window to ask the trees if they were Douglas firs (these were the ones in my price range.) Oh and something else few may know: D.... I can't read a map. Give me step by step directions and landmarks and I am your girl.... draw me a map and I may never see you again. Anyway I digress... continuing on.



So after much searching... and I mean quite a bit... Maggie was starting to think I was crazy. We finally met Douglas.... my perfectly symmetrical... to the ceiling... in my price range tree. Note how mean I look with the saw... at least that is what I was going for.... America's next top model.... here I come.



Oh I forgot things you should know about me # E..... I am a complete wuss. Last time I went to Alpine there was a cute guy that worked there and he cut my tree down for me.... This time not so much.... but my adorable friend and coworker Maggie was there to the rescue. Now don't get me wrong. I cut part of the tree at least a good inch.... but to hear Maggie tell it, I sat in a lawn chair drinking a martini and pretended I was on vacation, stopping only to get up and pose for pictures to make me look like I cut the tree. Complete and utter nonsense I say.... I worked hard. And I would put those pictures of me on here... but I am not quite as adorable and flattering under the pressures of working hard.... moving on.



So here is the final cut of poor Douglas... Maggie did make it go timber. I was just cutting it slightly more symmetrical.

So once poor old Douglas got cut down. We put him in my Christmas tree bag....and took him back to the main office of Alpine. This was actually a fairly hard task. The bag became a balloon and we were still sort of off roading.... but we made it.

So then the man... you know I really wish I had learned his name... I need to work on that... maybe that will be my December resolution... learn...and remember more people's names. Anyway the man... he sort of seemed like a Hank...yeah Hank. Anyway Hank took Douglas and put him on this machine that shook out all his extra needles.
Then Hank put Douglas through another machine and bundled him all up.


And there you have it. The big adventure of the Christmas tree named Douglas... and the man aptly named Hank who took my money for him. This is Douglas all wrapped up and ready to go. And me and my buff face...which looks a lot like my mean face.... no wonder I am so misunderstood. Don't be fooled by the neatly wrapped Christmas tree. By the time I got home it was almost falling off and the bag was dragging on the ground. There of course are many pictures untaken of this memorable event.....like the one of me and Maggie walking into my house with the tree belting out oh Christmas tree at the top of our lungs and my bah humbug roommate almost immediately leaving the house in record time. Or the picture of the ornaments people I know have made. My roommate would like me to plug her weird plaid fabricky feathery one that she prominently displayed at the top front of the tree by removing one of my special ones. She is very amused by herself and by the velocity of which it was removed and relocated and all sanity was once again restored in the universe.... sigh... it is all OK.


So there he is in his glory... he is kind of a feminine tree....but I love Douglas unconditionally. All in all a fun morning... did I mention this process started at 9:30 am. Anyway thanks for reading. I promise I wont wait too much longer to post a deep soul searching life changing blog... But a lot was accomplished here. I satisfied the curiosity of friends. Those close to me that are far away finally got a quick glimpse of both me, my apartment, my car, and my tree. I have that whole December's resolution thing.... you know learning and remembering names. And Hey Hank got a name. Wow. Well done me. Have a great day. and Merry Christmas from the Crystal and Douglas the tree family to yours.

Purple Tights, Polka Dot Towels, and Portland

This week I got the opportunity to take a paid day and a half off to go to Portland to visit a couple of my really good friends from college. I had a blast. Every time I go there I find it harder and harder to leave. I love the atmosphere. I arrived in Portland on Tuesday afternoon. We relaxed. Made some CD's, went to dinner at Bow Thai, my favorite restaurant in their neighborhood. We went to Trader Joes where per Bridget's suggestion I purchased a flattened banana... and it changed my life.

That evening Tith and I went to the Feist concert. It was at the Portland Theatre. It was very old and Architecturally beautiful inside and out. The show was really good. She was wearing purple tights and I have decided I need a pair... though I have yet to find any in my search.

The next day we slept in (until 9am yaaaayyy) and then set off to explore IKEA. Then we shopped around other little shops, looking for purple tights and polka dot towels. I managed to find neither. But still had a blast. I then headed home. I have attached some photos of my day and a half of fun please see below.


This is feist note the purple tights. They had a really great light show as well.


This is me and Jerod in an elevator


And Tith in front of the Portland Theatre.

Ok on to my usual babbling about the things going through my head. For some reason the topic of men and women's roles has come up in conversation several times in the last few weeks. From more than one source. This has lead to me defending my belief on the subject, which first made me take a long hard look at what my beliefs on the subject are. And to reflect on what the Bible says on the subject. I will start by giving a couple examples to portray my point. I have one friend who I have known for 4 years now. She has separated from her husband too many times to count and it looks like now it may really be over. Every time it is the same fight. Money. He lies to her about the money and spends irresponsibly. She screams and yells and tries to boss him around, not respecting any sort of authority this man may have over their household. I can see where they both are flawed. It seems he is not holding up his end of the bargain. The trust is not there, but I am sure the fear of his wife's yelling does not help the situation any. This left me pondering is there a line? If the man is the head of his household and chooses to handle the money, but his house is falling apart because of it, what happens next? Unfortunately these 2 do not know Christ. So I pray.

Example #2 I was talking to a very career driven friend the other day, who said that she would never quit work for a husband. If he did not like that about her then he can find some one else. She proceeded to ask me my thoughts on the subject.... If I found a job I loved and some man told me to stop working would I? I have thought about this quite a bit since ... and aside from what the Bible says on the subject, which I will get to, all I can think is... If I married the guy he is not just some man.

I have several more examples but those people read this blog and I am not going to embarrass them. So I have thought on this subject and prayed.... though not entirely relevant to my life right now... and I have little to no authority on the subject...I feel if the subject is going to continue to come up... I should at least be able to formulate an intelligent Biblically accurate response... so here it is:

So Ephesians 5:22 -33 are the verses that I have been praying over.

22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

30because we are members of His body.

31FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

32This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

33Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

So as I read this and think about how I might explain what I believe to a non Christian friend... or worse a Christian friend who disagrees with this passage this is what I think...

Men are to love their wives as Jesus loved the church. Well, when I think about Jesus and his love for His church... I think of the love that Jesus showed. He washed the feet of his followers. He teaches, honors, and heals those of the church. Jesus adores His church...

25a Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Obviously there are responsibilities for woman too. But I still think we have a pretty good deal. Men are instructed to love us like Jesus loves the Church. So what am I instructed to do?

22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

If I love a man. Enough to marry him... then I am going to trust his intelligence. I will know that he is capable of making good decisions and with that that he loves Christ and will therefore hold me up as Christ does the church. Then why would I have a problem subjecting to his Authority. I trust and love this man right? On top of that it eases some of my burden.

So to bring this back to my examples.... in hopes to make sense of this or perhaps at least formulate a complete thought... I guess I say to the second... If my husband, whom I will love and trust, feels I should quit my job then I know it is with the best of intentions he asks this. If he feels I should keep working the same. But I know the man I trust will communicate with me and love me and respect me as Christ does the church.

If my poor friend from example 1 had found a man who knows Jesus and she had any trust in Jesus or her husband I think things would be different. But I guess it is a good example of why God set these standards in place in the first place. God created us. He knows what we need.

I guess this is the end of my rambling... feel free to comment if you agree or disagree with my thoughts.

Quick update: I had asked you to pray for my best friend and her family who were dangerously close to the San Diego wild fires. This update is late... per my poor blog upkeep.... but they were able to move back in. The house is still standing... though covered in soot and ash... they had a lot of cleaning to do... praise God that all else was ok. Thanks for your prayers.

Cleanliness Vs. Godliness

Well hello there,

After some prompting.... Thanks Kim... I am finally putting up a new blog entry. It has been over a month. So sorry. I no longer have a computer at my house, and my computer time has been split between typing Sunday school lessons and Lesson planning for school. So that's my excuse. But let us not live in the past. As it has been said we aren't even promised tomorrow, so how silly is it to hold on to past mistakes.

This brings me to my first topic of this blog (this topic has nothing to do with the forementioned title. I will get to that.) my October's resolutions. I find myself thinking a bit about my past and all of my mistakes. I have thought to myself...well I have my debt and as much as I don't want to hold on to past mistakes, those are here to stay. But I have been thinking what is with in my control? How can I follow the Word? I saw a reader board a while back that said something like "God says not to let quarelling tear you apart." This stuck in my head. Not because it was overly profound, but because it is something that was already weighing on my heart. I have found in my efforts to protect my own heart, I have grown selfish and impatient with some of the people in my life, and been quick to shut the door on them. But if they are friends or people I call family, or just my brothers and sisters in Christ, I should be working just as hard to protect their hearts. So back to my October resolutions.... Much like that of any anonymous treatment program.... make amends. This hit me when I found out a former friend of mine, who hurt my heart pretty badly, was possibly wanting to finally come to church.... and she wouldn't because she knew I would be there and that would be awkward. I was saddened by this. If in my effort to protect myself, somebody is prevented from the possibility of knowing Jesus better, or surrounding themselves with people who do, what good am I? How am I serving Jesus?

So it begins. I have contacted a couple people that I have left in my wake. I have let them know that I forgive them. And even sucked it up and apologized for my haste in throwing away what may be precious friendships. But I continue on this quest and find myself needing to be in constant prayer to humble myself and swallow my pride. Some of these ones are harder than others to forgive, as they are far more deep rooted.

Onto resolution number 2 ( I think there will be 3 in total...stay tuned for November resolutions...hopefully before January)... For those not in the know.... I have been on an elimination diet for about a month now.... This is for health purposes. Quick run down... I can't eat most things I love...ie mac and cheese and mexican food.... in the end the hope is I will find out the things my body doesn't like (probably mac and cheese and mexican food) and remove them permanately from my diet. This is scheduled to end the day before Thanksgiving (praise the Lord). So what I have learned in this... is that I don't hate it. I don't miss the foods as much as I thought I would. Food is nourishment. It can be delicious... but it doesn't have to be the focus of social activities. So my resolution is that when it is all over I will be able to take these lessons with me. My energy is up and my pain has lessened a bit. I like that.

Finally resolution 3: My house is finally unpacked. Having more space than I have had in a long time... my stuff is more organized than it has ever been. Stay tuned I will probably add some pictures soon... mainly for Andrea and Kristen who are far away.... the rest of you are welcome to come over anytime. That said.... I find myself more at peace. I find myself making dinners at home. Lighting candles (unscented...allergen free candles...). Wanting to entertain and open my house up for fellowship. I find my Bible open more. I find more energy and better sleep. I find myself more happy. Which is why God wants us to be clean. I think by design we are meant to live a life uncluttered so that nothing blocks our view of the cross. So my final resolution.... to stay that way.

I guess this is it on this blog.... a quick note.... or request. My best friend Kristen's house as of Sunday was 1/2 a mile away from the wild fires in San Diego. This is when her and her husband Jeremy and her 2 year old Joshua and her newborn Abby evacuated. Since then she has not heard a thing and is not sure if she is going to have a home to come home to. She knows for sure that when the Santa Ana wind started it blew of the bottom part of her house. Please just keep her family in your prayers that they would be protected and their home would be safe. Her mother, brother, sister, and step father all have had their houses effected too. But she does not know what extent. Thanks.

I Love Jesus

I love Jesus.
I love Jesus.
A simple and truthful
statement that does not even start to begin the way I feel. A statement that, although accurate and sweet, has made me feel a little embarrassed , unintelligent, ashamed, and sad over the last week. You see I was baptized over the last weekend and "I love Jesus" is all I managed to proclaim.

I think back to past baptisms and think of the meaningful, honest, eloquent, sometimes even tear jerking proclaimations of others in the same position. I think over my bumpy, adventurous, sometimes frusterating, and sometimes making me want to skip through fields of daisies (even if it would cause a massive allergy attack) relationship with Jesus. And I think that not only can I write a heck of a run on sentance, but that I need more than an "I love Jesus" to sum up my faith and my reasons for baptism.

But in my nerves I couldn't be brave. There were so many people watching. I was standing in cold water (though not as artic as I might have thought) , and all I could think is... this is all wrong. I have no family here. I don't fit in. I am a fraud. All of which have been a constant in my head for a long long time. Sometimes I can contain these feelings. Saying ... my church is my family... or that these thought are just satan. But often I cannot. Because 9 times out of 10 I truly don't fit in to any given situation. I am not sure if everyone feels this way or I am just crazy but still these are honest feelings. But I did it. I got baptized and I truly am thankful that Jesus is my savior and that over and over again I am protected and forgiven. I accept that in my relationship with the Lord that it is my given responsibility to help forward the gospel in thoughts, words, and actions. I understand that I am going to fail at this over and over and because of God's grace I am forgiven just as often. I understand that without Christ I am nothing and with Christ I can do all things. ... So I guess that is really all I needed to say at the baptism. But I got clouded. I ask all of your forgiveness and pray for the Lord's forgiveness for my prideful cowardess. I am truly grateful that there are people who care enough that I get baptized to come and watch. I will leave it at that. God bless.

No More Hot Dogs for This Girl

So it is becoming a trend. I am waiting longer and longer to update my blog. In the back of my head I am waiting for some sort of conclusion or perhaps even resolutions to the thoughts in my head.

In response to my last blog... updates... We got the duplex we wanted. It all worked out pretty well and some pretty swell people I know are going to come help me move into it. It shouldn't be too hard all my furniture pretty much got ruined in the last move so there are camping chairs in our living room. But still I am very happy to have it.

My progress on the worrying...well I have tried to focus on not allowing stress to take a hold in my life. I have been praying and meditating on it. It is a little easier now that school has started... I don't have time to worry and overthink things right now. Though the stresses are still around. And appeared to have unpacked their bags.

Above, you will see a picture of my brother Vincent and my nephew Tristan, trying on Halloween costumes, I call him Ralphie, for reasons one could probably figure out. I got to see him last weekend. Along with My sister in-law, my brother Victor and his wife, my brother Steven, and then my sister and her 2 sons as well. We all went to lunch at Billy McHales, which used to be one of my favorite places to eat in Bellingham. Neither of my parents bothered to show. Even so,this was the most people in my family we have had in one room in a while. It was a strange lunch, that left me feeling a little sad and also just very grateful that I love Jesus and have a church family here. I always feel so very out of place with my family. I have never thought like them. I don't find the same things funny. And I don't entirely enjoy this. And Sunday's lunch was no different. I found myself rushing through the meal and making excuses to have to leave.

I was in Bellingham attending a wedding, or rather being a bridesmaid in a wedding(See a picture of the bride and groom above, you can see their faces below). This was my third time as a bridesmaid, so as the saying goes never a bride. But Andrea (the bride) and I rationalized that since I got to pick out my own dress and it was neither satin nor periwinkle (rather a polka dotted sun dress) and since there was no bridesmaid procession down the aisle (I did light candles though) this did not count as the third. Besides in my attempt to not have to be social with those I don't know,I became so much more than a bridesmaid... I catered... I drove.... I took pictures.... I decorated hotel rooms.... I helped set up for the party....I did pretty much anything to avoid conversation. And though, anyone who knows me knows that is perfectly normal for me, this wedding gave me extra motivation.

Everyone in attendance was perfectly nice... but this wedding was jam packed.... spa visits, rehearsal dinner, cooking, drinks at boundry bay (Bellingham's silver City), the wedding, the reception (complete with kite flying and boomerang throwing...she married an Aussie), the BBQ at her parents until 2am... Then brunch there the next day. This was a lot of conversation. And every person there asked the same question.... "So what do you do? "

Not normally a difficult question to answer but all these people were successful. There were many in politics, there was an architect, interior designer, surgeon, doctor, some one in television... and the list goes on. So as the weekend went on I found myself trying to make my job sound more important (I know pathetic) I would say.... "I run an elementary before and after school program, funded through a non profit organization geared towards low income families." Which is not entirely untruthful. Pretty proud of this answer I thought I was secure until they started asking questions like, "What do you thing of the Article in the times where so and so took the stance against before and after school programs? Do you disagree" ... to this I thought..."man I should read the news paper"I even met a girl who did her entire thesis on the functionality of before and after school programs and their downfalls. And all I could think is , yeah but can she make a lady bug magnet out of tempra paint, string, pipecleaners, a clothes pin, and googily eyes? Yeah that's what I thought.

Ok, this is enough discussion on the wedding. It was actually very beautiful and fun and I am so

happy for my beautiful friend and her wonderful new husband.

So this blog has gone on a while and I am trying to decide if I should share the rest of my goings ons at another time. This is what happens when you don't blog for a long time. But if you can bear with me I think I will continue. Joshua Horky will surely have comments about the length calling it a sermon or something (though, so far, t's not too scripturally based.) (so hey Joshua there is the shout out I promised... and now the plug...please do visit Joshua's blog at http://kd7djs.blogspot.com/. There currently is some fasinating computer installation blog stuff there. )Anywhoo continuing on..........

Which first Physical health or spiritual health? I think Physical might be an easier start. I had my appointment with the doctor see below for proof:

A little quick background on this picture. There were more. I was put under for this procedure and apparantly very entertaining upon waking up. Also apparently very concerned with my blog. I asked for Bridget to take pictures for my blog.... see how much I care about you. Anyway, this is the only one you actually get to see. The procedure was fine. I don't know that I would want to do it often. The results came back yesterday. The good news is that it is not cancer or Crohn's disease, but it is a similar disease called ulcerative colitis. I don't know a lot about it yet but basically it is similar to Crohn's only it doesn't spread all over your body it generally stays in the colon and intestines. So this is better news than expected. I also have something called Diverticulosis which left ignored can become diverticulitus.... you now know as much as I do. So...yeah... moving on.



I show you this Seaside "flier", if you will, not because Eric Schuette will be installed as an elder (although woohoo for Eric) , and not because it is a good opportunity for free food, but because I am getting Baptized on Sunday. Feel free to come... maybe bring a side dish. This has been a long time coming for me. I have been a Christian for 15 years now. Why has it taken me so long? Excellent, and yet nosey, question. I was baptized when I was 8 as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I left that church at 13 and found Jesus at 14. The presbyterian church I went to all through high school... well it made a big deal out of missions and evangelism, but never baptism. As a matter of fact it never really crossed my mind until about 3 years ago, when seaside did the first ones. The first year I rationalized not doing it because it would upset my mother (which is true she wont be thrilled) , I did mention it to some family and the response was "why?" but not in that I really care please share with me all the stories of our Lord and Savior, sort of way. Anyway last year Pastor Chris suggested I do it and I said sure just not in a lake in this setting. But of course I never followed through. So this year it has to be done. Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed. I can proclaim Jesus from the rooftops.... I just fear doing it in freezing cold water, where people are only looking at me... and are inevitably going to want me to .. I don't know... proclaim out loud... then not only that but I then have to trust 2 men to dunk me in the water... That is freezing cold...while people are staring.... not my cup of tea,( hmmm tea.. now that is warm...except ice tea...but I digress). The last time someone dunked me under the water my brother thought it would be funny not to let me up. It wasn't.

Anyway I am doing it.... because this is what the Lord asks of me. And I will do it with joy (and nerves). I guess this is all I should write. If any of you are still reading this....wow... way to go. Have a great night.

Summer Time Wrap up

I don't have a lot to blog about right now, but I thought I could just make an update on my goings ons. Summer is coming to a close. Work has been busy wrapping up our summer program and transitioning into the school year. We had a pretty fun week. We went on two field trips. The first to Outback Steakhouse. Where I got to get paid to eat steak (which was delicious, but my body almost immediately regretted it.) The second was to Olympic Game Farm, which was pretty cool.

It has been a very stressfull and convicting summer for me. But in that I have had a lot fun. I went to many parks I didn't even know existed. I didn't know there were so many beautiful parks around. I got to go to the Pacific science center, the children's museum, a storm game, and Woodland park zoo. We went hiking, to a play, and so many other things.

I have made some new friends and have found a new appreciation for tweens. It was an age group that really used to annoy me. But they are so much fun and so hilarious. I am very excited to have my classroom back and the structure, I do so well with. But before I do I drive to Bellingham for my Oldest friend's wedding. I will see family. I haven't seen my mother since Christmas. And before this trip I will have a colonoscopy.

So update on this: I had my apointment on Wednesday; which turned out just to be a consult, where they scheduled the colonoscopy for this Tuesday. I am supposed to take Monday and Tuesday off for it, but as it is the last week of Summer Camp, my work is closed Thursday through Monday, so there is no Financial way to do this. As well as the fact that I am running the "M&M Kid's Got Talent" contest, the Kid's would be dissapointed if that didn't happen.

What else is new? My roommate Bridget and I have put in an application on a really cute duplex. It is one of the lowest cost places we have found, that is not next door to a meth lab. Neither of us has a dime to pay for the deposit and 1st and last on the place, right now. It may be stupid, but I am praying and I know if it is to happen it will happen.

There are things I have really been convicted of in the last couple months. The main one is that I am constantly worried. I know I shouldn't aside from the obvious Biblical instruction:

Phil 4:6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

But also because I know better. My life is one that is always throwing curveballs. I have every reason to be stressed out all the time. As do most people. I worry all the time and it does nothing. But the silly thing is, that it works out every time. Yet I still worry. They say the definition is of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I am a piece of dental floss' width away from that point. I have gotten myself into big messes by worrying so much and then trying to fix it on my own, as if I could hide it from the Lord. This time is no different. So this week I am reflecting on a few verses:

Phil 4:10b-13 :".......for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

and

Matthew 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"

Or perhaps I will just take a page out of my friend Bob Ross' book and sit back relax and enjoy the Crazy trees. ( Though I think his mood was drug induced)

Bye for now

Ta Da a New Blog!!!

So my birthday has come and gone. And boy has the weeks since my last blog got me thinking. My birthday was ok. I had a couple friends really come through to try to make it special. My roommate went out of her way to decorate our house with streamers and balloons. She bought me my favorite beer and gave me a balloon bouqet ( I am allergic to flowers), and we went out the weekend before and just found beauty in God's creations. But for some reason every year I put some expectations on my birthday, and I find out who my true friends really are.

This year was different though. I found it hard to enjoy the time as there are so many other things going on in my life. I am asking for prayers as I have been feeling pretty sick. The doctor's have ran a lot of tests and are fairly certain I have Crohn's Disease. But the most important test that will determine this for sure and rule out cancer is on August 22.

I am very anxious to find out for sure what it is so the Doctors (I have 3 of them now) can finally tell me how to treat it, and I can get out of the constant pain I am in. With all this I find myself really low energy. I have been laying low and for the most part trying to get some rest. This is not incredibly possible as my job is very active, but I have been doing my best. However If I haven't talked to any of you for a while, or you haven't seen me around, please understand I am most likely just under the weather.

In all this, of course, I have spent much time in prayer.... and confusion.... and laughter at God's sense of humor. Sometimes I feel like I am Job the sequal. But I find hope in the latter part of the book.... I have pasted the last chapter below (it is a free online bible, cause I am too lazy to type it all out.Not sure which Version, I believe it is the NIV) I find the most hope in the final words of the chapter where Job was blessed in the latter part of his years and grew old and saw family grow old.... I just wonder what constitutes the "latter part" I am pretty sure 28 is feeling real old.

So here it is. Have a great Day!!!

Job Chapter 42
Job 1 Then Job replied to the LORD :
2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'
5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."
Epilogue

7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.

8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has."

9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job's prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.

11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver [a] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters.

14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.

15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation