Tears are in my eyes reading the resolutions and reflections from just a year ago. Trials were 100% there, but so was hope. What happened? Where did it go? I can rationalize it any which way. It started with being busy... but what is it now?
My conversations with God are few and far between and mostly just yelling matches. Only I am the one yelling. I let sin in. I bowed to the voices telling me lies... and let bitterness into my heart.
I have spent the last 9 months in sin, loneliness, fear, and pain, which was only inflicted by my own doing. And now as I move on to another phase of my life, I feel like I am losing some people that were very special to me... and instead of a time of hope and being sent off with love... I am alone and leaving in fear.
As I read the words I wrote just a year ago, I am mourning that girl. I want her back. I want to feel her peace. I want to see her joy. I want a reason to get out of bed each day.
I am not sure why I am writing this... or at this point, really, who I am writing this too. I just felt I needed to write it.
So this all said my April 2009 Resolutions:
I want to talk to Jesus... not yell... actually talk.
I want my friends... those ones who had become my family...back.
I want to leave Bremerton with a peaceful heart. I want to feel like I am moving toward a goal, not running away from my mistakes.
I want to repent whole heartedly for my many sins... and mean it.
I want to trust that God will provide and always has.
I want to get out of bed again.
I want to truly live for Jesus.
and finally...
I want to be brave and actually publish this post.... hmmm... ok here goes.
